When Love Meets Fear, Navigating the Emotional Rollercoaster of Having a Baby in the NICU,
- Mary Bicknell
- Jul 7
- 9 min read
For most parents, the birth of their child is frightening, exciting, anxiety-provoking, and so very longed for, which makes it a happy occasion, despite all the other emotions one encounters. So, what if your baby goes to the NICU? The emotional rollercoaster starts for you, fear and sadness as they take your baby away. You know they are going to give your baby the best care, but all you want is to hold your baby close and to take in this new member of your family. What if your baby is too small, too sick, or doesn't tolerate the birthing process well? Instead of happiness ruling the day, fear may take the lead in your heart. Sometimes the fear is so great you may not be able to feel happy at all.
The Facts About the NICU
So, what is a NICU, you may ask. Some will have heard the term but not have a real understanding of what it stands for. NICU stands for Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (Stanford Medicine, 2025). The NICU is the place where premature babies, babies who are born before 37 weeks gestation, or 3 weeks before their due date (Mayo Clinic, 2024) are cared for. The NICU is also the place your baby will go if; they need extra care, some part of their body did not develop as expected, or they are sick for any other reason. A NICU is filled with many specialized machines and an equally specialized medical team containing doctors, nurses, dieticians, respiratory therapists, physical therapists, occupational therapists, lactation consultants, and social workers. All these individuals are specially trained to work with small and sick babies.
There is an Army of Special People Caring for Your Baby, It is Usual to Feel Intimidated
The wide range of people specializing in just what your baby may need, brings comfort, but it likely also brings a feeling of fear that your baby might need all that attention. Another feeling you may have is jealousy, and you may not think that is normal. A feeling that ‘they’ get to touch and move my baby, but I am only sitting here looking at my baby. I want to touch and move my baby, but I am afraid to try to touch or move my baby. The rollercoaster continues. One thing that you may realize early on in your NICU journey is that there is a whole new language when the discussion turns to a premature or sick baby. Your NICU team will want to keep you involved and knowledgeable about what is happening with your baby. They will explain many things, at times in great detail. Your team will intend to help you understand what is going on, but if you are struggling to understand the words, it can be difficult. Remember, you are the parent, and asking questions is not an irritation; you should ask and be ready to let the team know if the explanation is still not understandable to you. Another thing that many parents will find is that if both of you are listening to an explanation, you may come away with different understandings. Part of the reason behind that is the concern and anxiety you are feeling; you are probably not hearing the whole explanation, and neither is your partner. It is not unusual for each of you to hear a different part of the explanation. The NICU team is used to this; when you come back later to visit your baby, ask the question again. You will probably hear more than one experienced NICU nurse tell you that is okay; most people don’t get the whole thing the first time they hear it. Realize that it is okay to ask as many times as you need to be able to understand what is going on; you are the parent, even if you are on that rollercoaster.
Before birth, you, as the mother, provided for the breathing, digestion, elimination, and circulation of blood for your baby. You protected the baby and ate just what you were told to and avoided everything you were told to avoid. And Partner, you made sure that you had the safest car, if Mom wanted different food, you did all you could to get it for her, you rubbed her feet, you let her sleep extra. After all that, your baby is born, and the things Mom’s body was doing to grow the baby are now being done by machines and medical devices. There are usually ways that you can be involved; sometimes that may be just by sitting close with a finger touching your baby. In time, that will change.
Many mothers will feel guilty and believe it is somehow their fault. It is not your fault, but it is hard to believe that when you are riding the speeding rollercoaster. Talk to the team about your feelings; they won’t be surprised, and they will want to help you. Those caring for your baby are strangers. It may be hard to imagine in the first days of your baby's life, but these strangers are destined to become some of your most enthusiastic cheerleaders. Early on it may be hard to see those NICU nurses who are touching your baby more than you are as your advocate, but they truly are; this is one of the good parts of the rollercoaster.
Why is This so Hard
Psychology Today speaks of the fact that, as a parent, you are neurobiologically wired to experience the feelings you feel. You developed that wiring during all those weeks you were growing and planning for that child. Sometimes those feelings of worry are grief and not validated by others in your family or social network. Your mom or close friends may tell you repeatedly that you need to rest and get your energy back when all you feel like you need is to hold your baby close to your body. And then, one day, you get to hold for the first time, the most wonderful of moments, but you may find that your baby has limited tolerance for that interaction, and the rollercoaster is back. The day will come when you will be able to do Kangaroo Care, which means to hold your baby ‘skin-to-skin’ (Cleveland Clinic, 2023). Skin-to-skin is holding your baby with their skin touching your skin. Baby will be dressed in only a diaper and you will have your shirt off; baby will be put on your chest and you both will be covered with a warm blanket. Not only will this support your bonding with baby, and help mom’s milk supply when she is the one holding, but research has shown that baby will better regulate their temperature and usually their oxygen needs as well. Your baby may have several more weeks in the NICU still to come but being able to do Kangaroo Care at least daily will give you that positive feeling to help you have the energy to go forward. Celebrate these moments and record them with photos.
For many people, the time in the NICU is long and exhausting and feels like it will never end. NICU nurses will often quip things like, It is two steps forward and one step back, or, We promise we have not sent a child to kindergarten from the NICU. The nurses know that your rollercoaster ride feels never-ending; they do have an advantage, however. They have seen other babies go home, some like yours, some smaller, and some sicker when they were born. When you are on a rollercoaster, it is hard to have someone else tell you to let go, you will be fine, but that is what the NICU nurse and the NICU team are telling you. They don’t think your path is easy, but they want you to have hope.
Yes, this path will be long, yes, this path will have ups and downs, and yes, there will be days you do not think you can do it. I am a NICU nurse, and I have had two NICU babies myself. I remember the day when I called my friend and sobbed at her about how I did not feel like Cullen was even my baby; I couldn’t do anything with her. Remember, I had taken care of children like her and much worse than her. When you are a NICU parent, so much is about your emotions, driven by what is going on, no matter who you are. Remember your truth is not always the truth of the medical staff around you.
Coping Strategies
Getting off the rollercoaster is great when you feel like it is too much, but sometimes that isn’t a reality at the moment. Learning how to manage the rollercoaster will help. As stated previously, those NICU nurses will become your greatest cheerleaders. When you don’t think you can do this, they are going to tell you that you can; believe them.
Postpartum anxiety and depression are super common, according to the Cleveland Clinic, 2022. 10% of the population deals with this concern, and when you add the very real difficulties of having your baby in the NICU, the reality is that life feels even harder. Reaching out for help from the hospital social worker or a private therapist is wise. Few people can manage all the stress without having a person to help them process the issues that come up. There are many support groups; your hospital may have a NICU family group. Even if you just listen, join it. Others going through things you are going through are often some of the best people to lean on. There are many groups you can find on the internet also. Some of them are Hand to Hold, The March of Dimes, Pprom Awareness, and Miracle Babies. Reach out, they were created to be there for you.
When feelings of guilt and inadequacy arise, do not allow them to gain control. Journaling in the NICU is a very positive way to manage your sadness. Even if you have not been a person who has journaled in the past, having a special book that you use to jot down thoughts daily, even if it is only a word or two, is positive for managing the difficult emotions in the NICU. Project NICU (2021) lists 5 reasons why a journal is important for a healthy NICU journey:
It is a safe space, no judgment from a journal
Sometimes you just need to process; a journal can help you explore your thoughts
What you write down may help you realize when you would like to ask for help
Record those wins; they are important, no matter how small
You have a historical log
Along with the written journal, many families find it very helpful to take many pictures. Sometimes you may feel like it will make you cry to see how little your baby is or how many machines your baby is on, and it probably will. But one month later, when you look back at that picture and you look at the small baby in front of you, that picture can show you the growth and the progress, even if life is still complicated.
Many families find they need to recognize that they are mourning the loss of the baby they dreamed of. That may sound weird, or like you are not loving the child you have, but letting go of the perfect baby you envisioned and allowing the baby you have to become the perfect member of your family is healthy.
In the end, it is good to admit you are on a rollercoaster, and just like at the fair, not every person has the same experience on the rollercoaster. Yours will be unique; no one else can have the same experience, but others want to hold you up when you need them. Always accept the help that is offered; though you may think you have it together today, you might need that help tomorrow. If someone offers, thank them and say yes. Accept that this is a hard journey that you did not choose and you cannot control. Love the baby you have, and even when you barely feel like you can parent, know you are the only parent this baby has, so you are special, and your bond is deeper than anyone else has with your baby. Though this path can be long and feel uncertain, your being there is the biggest thing you can give your baby. And as I often say to my NICU families, one of the greatest gifts you can give your baby is a healthy family to go home to. So take the time to allow yourself to be healthy and get support.
There is a Future, and You Will Receive the Help You Need to Face It
The happiest day in your journey may also be the scariest and, in some ways, a very sad day. The day you take your baby home is what you have been dreaming of, but that rollercoaster might be roaring back toward you again, making you doubt that you are ready. That great team that has been with you through this journey would not let you go without being prepared. If you don’t feel confident, and few parents feel completely confident, trust the confidence of those you have trusted for the weeks or months you have been in the NICU. You may also feel so sad to leave these nurses and doctors who have been so integral in your life since the birth of your baby. That is normal and very much a happy/sad rollercoaster. But be assured, they will gladly greet you when you want to come back and show off your growing strong baby. They will gladly accept cards with pictures of the family, and they will always be on your side. Their happiest moment is seeing you walk out, strong and ready to be the parent of the baby you are meant to have.
Kangaroo Care (Skin to Skin): What It Is & Benefits, Cleveland Clinic, 2023
Journaling and the NICU, 2021
Assessed and Endorsed by the MedReport Medical Review Board
