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The Effects of Shame on Mental Health
- Yolanda DeLoach BSN, RN
- May 7
- 3 min read
Shame chips away at the soul. It gives us a horrible feeling in our gut that makes us want to disappear into the floor. Shame leaves us feeling disconnected and worthless. It’s a universal feeling that can be hard to overcome and impact mental health.
What is Shame?
Leading shame researcher, Brene Brown, defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging and connection.” Shame is a strong, negative emotion that devalues oneself. It leaves one with the feeling that something is inherently wrong with them.
Shame vs. Guilt vs. Embarrassment
Shame, guilt and embarrassment are similar in that they make us feel bad. But they are different.
Embarrassment is usually the result of a minor social blunder such as saying something inappropriate for the situation, tripping in front of others or not being properly dressed for an occasion. These moments are uncomfortable but they don’t involve our core identity. Embarrassment doesn’t eat away at our sense of self.
Guilt emerges from something we did or failed to do. The voice inside us says, “I DID something bad.” Feeling guilty can be helpful. It shows that we either acted against or failed to act on our values. Feelings of guilt can be helpful. They can spur behavioral change in order to align with what we value.
Shame is not helpful in the way guilt can be. Guilt can produce change, while shame can be the source of hurtful behavior. It creates an inner critic inside us that says, “I AM something bad.” Shame causes the persistent belief that you aren’t good enough. This feeling can be paralyzing when the whole perception of self is viewed through the lens of shame. Life becomes ruled by shame.
The Effects of Shame
The origin of chronic shame often begins in childhood. Shame becomes a learned response in reaction to the behavior and projections of a caregiver. This external source of shame becomes internalized. Children are hardwired to maintain attachment with their caregiver. If a child is regularly shamed and criticized, they will take on the belief that there is something wrong with them before acknowledging that the caregiver’s behavior is wrong. They will sacrifice their sense of self in order to maintain connection.
Shaming others, such as our children, may seem to create change in the moment. But deep damage is occurring to their self-concept. Chronic shaming damages a child’s ability to learn self-protection skills and boundaries. This opens them up to unhealthy relationships in adulthood. They may be unable to express themselves and feel they have no voice.
Chronic shame can produce crippling feelings that lead to helplessness, despair, inferiority and the need to hide personal flaws. Those experiencing chronic shame lack self-trust due to believing something is wrong with them. This false belief impacts relationships because feelings of unworthiness make it difficult to create genuine connections.
Shame can be the root cause of anger, depression and anxiety. The feeling of disconnection produced by shame can make us harmful to others as anger brews beneath the surface. Anger is an attempt to mask the pain of shame and can show itself as passive aggressiveness, judgement and outbursts.
Healing From Shame
Shame is operating in the subconscious which makes it difficult to identify. If you are experiencing the feelings previously mentioned, be curious to look deeper to see if shame might be at the core of those issues.
Offer yourself compassion. Consider writing a compassion letter to yourself.
Explore your feelings through journaling.
Consider seeing a therapist who can help get to the root of shame.
Learn to set boundaries to avoid further shaming.
The effects of chronic shame are long lasting. Healing begins when we offer compassion to ourselves, treating ourselves with the kindness we would be quick to offer others. Doing the work of healing can result in a healthier sense of self and letting go of the burden of shame.
Assessed and Endorsed by the MedReport Medical Review Board
