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When Is It Time to Take the Keys Away? Helping Parents Transition from Driving to Being Driven

This image was created using Ai.
This image was created using Ai.

It started with a call from my cousin, Bong.


“I followed my dad again. He ran a stop sign, almost hit the curb turning onto Commonwealth, and then couldn’t park. I don’t know what to do anymore.”


He wasn’t being dramatic. Uncle Bong, 82, still drove daily: to the pharmacy, to the Filipino bakery, to Sunday Mass. He’d been a truck driver for 40 years, so losing the wheel felt like losing control of his life. But what if staying behind the wheel was more dangerous than giving it up?


As a gerontology nurse with over 15 years of experience, I’ve seen this exact scenario play out countless times. It’s one of the hardest and most emotionally charged transitions adult children face when caring for aging parents. But it’s also one of the most critical when it comes to safety.


This article breaks down when it might be time to take the keys away, how to spot red flags, and how to have the conversation in a way that preserves dignity while protecting lives.


Why Driving Means So Much to Aging Parents

Driving isn’t just about transportation. For older adults, it’s a symbol of freedom, identity, and control. According to a 2022 AARP survey, 79% of adults aged 65 and older said they would feel a loss of independence if they could no longer drive (AARP, 2022).


So when adult children bring up the idea of stopping, it often feels like a betrayal. “You don’t trust me anymore.” “I’m not some old invalid.” These reactions aren’t personal. They’re human.


But safety still matters.


The Hard Numbers Behind the Wheel

Older adults are among the safest drivers- until they’re not.


  • Drivers 70 and older have higher crash death rates per mile driven than middle-aged drivers, primarily due to increased physical vulnerability in crashes (IIHS, 2024).


  • The risk of motor vehicle injury increases significantly starting around age 75, especially when paired with vision problems, slower reflexes, and chronic conditions like diabetes or arthritis (CDC, 2023).


  • Medications can play a major role. Sedatives, opioids, antihypertensives, and even over-the-counter sleep aids can impair driving often without the person realizing it (National Institute on Aging, 2022).


Red Flags: 7 Signs It May Be Time

Don’t wait for a crash to make a move. A few slips can happen to anyone, but patterns or escalating signs could indicate a serious risk. Look for:


  • Getting lost on familiar routes


  • Difficulty turning the wheel or pressing pedals


  • Confusion between brake and gas


  • Increased dents or scrapes on the car


  • Friends or neighbors expressing concern


  • Near-misses, traffic violations, or fender benders


  • Slow response time at intersections


The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) offers a helpful self-assessment tool for older adults to evaluate their driving fitness (NHTSA, 2023). Tools like this can start the conversation with data, not blame.


How to Talk About It Without Creating a War

You know your parent best. For some, a direct approach works. For others, easing in is better. Here’s what has worked with my patients and in my own family:


  • Start with concern, not age. “I’m worried about your safety” goes a lot farther than “You’re too old to drive.”


  • Use specifics, not generalizations. “You missed a stop sign last week” is more effective than “You’ve been driving badly.”


  • Blame the meds, the doctor, or the DMV. Framing it as a medical or legal issue can soften the sting. “Dr. Patel mentioned your blood pressure meds might affect your reflexes” shifts the focus from personal failure to medical reality.


  • Offer alternatives before removing keys. Family rides, ride-share apps, senior shuttles, and church carpools can ease the blow.


  • Bring in a trusted third party. Geriatricians, occupational therapists, or the DMV can offer formal assessments. Let the “bad news” come from someone else if needed.


When Reasoning Isn’t Enough

In my experience as a care manager in Home-Based Primary Care, families often get creative to protect a parent who refuses to give up driving. Sometimes, it’s not about stubbornness. It’s about cognitive changes. The parent may sound logical, but the ability to connect risk with action is impaired.


When that happens, caregivers use what organizations like the Family Caregiver Alliance call non-confrontational safety strategies. These are temporary, compassionate ways to prevent harm.


I’ve seen families:


  • “Misplace” the car keys and pretend to search together


  • Disable the car battery


  • Say the car is at the shop or under a recall


  • Park the car off-site and blame construction or roadwork


These aren’t tricks to deceive. They’re de-escalation tools. Redirection. Safety interventions when insight is impaired. The Alzheimer’s Association and AMA both support these kinds of measures when formal reasoning fails, especially in the presence of cognitive decline.


That said, these strategies are short-term. If driving risks continue, it’s time to involve your parent’s doctor or submit a request for a DMV reexamination. In California and many states, doctors are mandated reporters and can initiate that process for you (California DMV, 2024).


The Bottom Line

Taking the keys isn’t about control. It’s about care. Your parent may grieve the loss of driving, and that’s real. But you can still support their independence- just in a safer way. Give rides. Set up regular outings. Help them stay engaged and mobile.


You’re not taking something away. You’re giving them more time. More safety. More good years without a preventable tragedy.


And one day, if the roles reverse, you’ll want someone brave enough to do the same for you.



References

Alzheimer’s Association. (2023). Driving and Dementia. https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/safety/dementia-driving


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